cheryl doesn’t know

cheryl doesn't know that i have it all planned out
i know why i'm committing suicide
it's not because the world's down on me
i'm getting all a's at a tough private school,
and i have this year all paid for at least
which is more than most everyone else

i have it all made
all made
i even have friends, for once in my life
more friends than i've had in years

the only reason i'm going
is because i'm tired
i'm tired, tired of living
i just want to get it over with
no more nightmare, no more struggle
no more family
all the things that hurt
but don't seem real when you're away, awake
just painful cobwebs
in the memories of the mind

i'm going because i don't have a reason for living
there's god, yeah
but i'd rather be with him in heaven
than struggling to believe in a world that doesn't
the only reason i have to live is god
and that's not enough
because that's my reason to die, too

i don't have a reason to live
and that's what i've been telling god
to give me a reason for living
or let me die
and forgive me for it

god's everywhere
he has to know what i'm thinking
so i'm leaving it up to him
i'm staying til summer
then i'm going
and that's that
unless something happens
and i hope to god it does
because i don't want to die