this is my suicide monologue

this is my suicide monologue
or my suicide letter, if you like it that way
	but i don't plan to leave one
	i don't plan on having anyone to leave one to
i'm not trying for sympathy by lying, playing paranoid
	and saying i have no friends
	because i do
i just think that it's more polite
	to tell friends personally
	rather than letting them find out
	at the funeral.

this is my way of telling the universe
	which isn't listening anyway
	that i'm going to do it
to justify it to myself
	if you want it that way

my sister's been saying
	that if i kill myself
	i won't go to heaven
	because god hates
	a suicide
myself, i think he might be a little more understanding
	after all, he's god, and he knows what i'm going through
on the other hand, his son was down here and went through worse without breaking
	so why should i get off?

i don't know
i can't justify it
all i want is for it to be over
nightmare ended, wake into the real world
heaven, God's country at last
where everything here is just a shadow
all i want is for it to be over
is that too much?

*** I wrote this 30 years ago. I'm not suicidal anymore, thank God. ***

4 thoughts on “this is my suicide monologue

  1. That is indeed powerful. Throughout the whole thing, I was thinking “dear God, don’t let this person go through with it”. I so hate to hear when someone has given up, though in truth, there have been many times over the last six months or so where I’ve asked God, “please go ahead and take me.” When I reached the end and saw your note, that the writing was 30 years old and that were not suicidal, I was incredibly relieved.

    It is affirmation. Though we go through the darkest of times, life has a way of working things out…if you have patience and a little strength. I’m so glad you didn’t do something that couldn’t be taken back. And…thank you for reminding me that as tired as I sometimes feel…life does and will get better. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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